The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
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