last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Randomize
