just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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