Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
