I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
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