He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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