Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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