Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Randomize
