I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I just sucked dick on a ferry
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
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