I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
