She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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