Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where