Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.