She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
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