i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
