It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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