dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
