He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
