Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
People in love make me want to vomit
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
