That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
