Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
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sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
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Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
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