Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
