He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
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This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
So much rum. So many feels.
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He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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