I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Randomize
