I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
