Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
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