I showed him my bush... on skype.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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