Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
