yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
We are two peas in an std pod
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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