that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
