aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
