1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
