i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
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Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
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The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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