Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
