I haven't been this sober since birth.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
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