i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
