my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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