u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
