do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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