i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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