just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
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