she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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