I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
