I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Randomize
