she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
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