This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
