I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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