At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
