my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Randomize
