there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
23 Parents Gave Awful Advice about “The Birds and the Bees”
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.