She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
