No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
It was confusing and full of hummus
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
