Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
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There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
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First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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