soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
