Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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