I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Randomize
