You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
