We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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