that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
