If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
