Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
