I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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